Writing Away

I was recently talking with my best friend. I don’t remember how we got onto the subject, but I advised her to take her secrets to the grave—bury them somewhere deep, throw away the key, tell no one, and move on with her life. She looked at me and asked, “Are there secrets you’re keeping from me?” Honestly, probably—but I may have forgotten those too. I’ve compartmentalized so much of my life that I’ve locked entire parts of myself away and left them there. When I lost part of my memory a few years ago, I think many of my secrets disappeared with it. It’s like hiding something from yourself so well that eventually, even you can’t find it anymore. These days, I joke that I have selective memory loss. I remember what deeply affects me and whatever else my brain decides is important. Everything else gets filed away somewhere with no apparent retrieval system. I function normally. I handle my responsibilities and perform my job well. But parts of my past feel distant or completely missing,...

 Where do I even begin? I got sick a few days before New Year’s Eve and ended up ringing in 2026 sick. Is anyone surprised? Because I’m not. I was down for a full week with a terrible case of strep throat—and I don’t even have tonsils. My doctor basically said I’m just prone to strep… because of course I am. Just my luck. Let’s back up to a few days after Christmas. My husband goes on his annual hunting trip every year, which is usually why I end up ringing in the New Year alone. But this time, I decided to go with him. We packed up the Frenchies, Bruno stayed with my sister, and we headed west for a long weekend of hunting. He always brings a couple of deer home, and that meat lasts us through the year. I know hunting isn’t for everyone. We don’t kill for sport—we hunt for food, and we use every part of it. This was actually my first time going to truly hunt. I’ve been out to the land before to shoot guns, fill feeders, and hang around camp… but I’d never gone hunting until now. I...

My sister and I took an early 7 a.m. flight to New York for her birthday. The night before, I had put on a new Dexcom, but just as I was leaving for the airport, I got a notification telling me to remove it immediately because it was defective. Cue me frantically trying to replace it without crying—definitely not the smooth start I’d pictured. At the airport, I somehow ended up at the wrong gate while my sister was at the correct one. I went through security alone and made it to what I thought was our gate, waiting by myself for about 20 minutes… until my sister called, annoyed, asking where I was. She thought I was running late and was now rushing through security, while I was already calmly sitting at the actual gate, ready to board. We finally met up, I apologized for the mix-up, she forgave me, and we grabbed some coffee. Caffeine in hand, we headed back to board—only to discover we were surrounded by a group of about 20 teenagers on a school trip to New York. My sister and I aren’...

It’s hard to put into words where this world is headed. I don’t share political opinions or push my religious beliefs on others. Instead, I choose to stand firm in my faith while seeking understanding and finding ways to relate to what’s happening in today’s political climate. As a "younger" person, based on what we’ve been taught and learned growing up, the way to make a difference is by speaking up, showing up, and advocating for your rights. So how do we not feel silenced when we see a young man gunned down simply for standing up for his faith and his rights? Times like these make you question how much you want to share on social media. Will I be judged or even persecuted for my faith? But I remember what my mom told me when I was younger: if anyone ever asks about my faith, I should always stand up to say that I am a Christian. No matter your political beliefs or religion, this act of hatred is completely unacceptable. A life was taken, a murderer acted with violence, chi...

Well, I made it! I’m here and still alive after surgery. 🙌 I’ll have some gnarly scars on my stomach, but I’m calling them my battle scars . Recovery was surprisingly smooth—honestly, way easier than my tonsillectomy. I had my follow-up appointment, and my doctor officially cleared me to ride again. Getting back to the barn after not riding since February felt amazing —it really is my happy place. 🐎 I’m feeling so much better now. No more pain! I’ve been way more mindful about what I eat. My stomach is a bit more sensitive to foods that never used to bother me, but it’s manageable. Plus, I may have accumulated a massive collection of flowy dresses and overalls during recovery since anything tight around my stomach was a no-go. 😅 Surgery Day Recap: 6:00 AM: Arrived at the hospital and got prepped. I was nervous and scared, but they gave me a nice cocktail of sedatives—and lights out! 10:00 AM: I woke up from anesthesia and asked the nurse if I was dead. She laughed and reassu...

I’m really struggling with watching my parents grow older. My mom’s memory has declined a lot, and walking has become difficult for her. She’s not active anymore—she mostly stays at home, only doing small chores around the house. She has very little motivation to do anything beyond that. My dad takes care of so much for her, and I try to keep her going by spending time with her, but our conversations feel so different now. As for my dad, his health is okay—not great, but manageable. I’ve mentioned before how hard it is to watch him face the physical limitations that come with age. He’s always been the kind of dad who could do it all—fix anything, carry anything, help with anything. He’s been my rock, always there to support me. I don’t think he ever imagined he’d still be helping his 40-year-old daughter with Jeep mods—but knowing him, I’m sure he secretly loves it. My dad and I are both facing new health challenges right now. I’m scared—but thankfully, mine isn’t life-threatening, as...

Things have changed quite a bit since my last post—mostly due to health challenges. I’ve been sick twice and out of the office for an extended period. I managed to return to work for a week, only to fall ill again, recover, and then experience a relapse that took me out once more.  I thought I was finally on the mend, but I spent an entire weekend knocked out by a migraine—only to be hit in the middle of the night by a gallbladder stone attack. That landed me in the ER, where they put me on morphine. Let’s just say… that was an unforgettable experience. I think morphine makes most people drowsy—but not me. Every thought that popped into my head, I had to say out loud. My poor husband was so annoyed, trying to get some rest in that uncomfortable hospital chair, especially since he had a business trip later that afternoon. As if trying to sleep in a hospital wasn't hard enough already. We finally made it back home, crawled straight into bed, and I eventually passed out from all the m...

Made it into 2025 injury-free—well, mostly! 😆 Besides the usual aches and pains (and that one time I threw my back out, but we’re not counting that—that’s just seasoned wisdom kicking in). On the bright side, my diabetes is well under control! My latest doctor’s appointment went great—numbers are low, bloodwork looks good, and I just need to keep moving forward. Meanwhile, the hubby is down with the flu, so he’s quarantined in the bedroom while I’ve taken over the couch. Work has been hectic. We’ve been short a recruiter, which means more work on my plate. We finally hired someone new, but she’s still in training. She seems nice—quieter than the rest of us, but then again, our little group is a bit on the weird side. On the fun side, I got a new tattoo—matching with my bestie! 💉✨ And now, I’m seriously considering a septum piercing. Call it a midlife crisis if you want, but I say, why not do it while I still can? I haven’t spent much time at the barn this year. Then again, t...

Another year has come and gone, and here I am—mid-January already. Christmas was spent with family, as always. The holidays tend to be chaotic, rushing back and forth across town to visit everyone. 2024 was truly a memorable year for me! So many milestones to reflect on: I turned 40. I participated in two amateur horse shows. I earned my motorcycle endorsement. (I conquered the Twisted Sisters route on my motorcycle!) My brother bought a new house (so proud of him—just waiting for a new sister-in-law now!). I celebrated my 10-year wedding anniversary.  And I hit my 2-year mark with my company. It’s been a year of highs and some lows, but I think the highs outweighed the lows—or maybe I just blocked the lows out entirely (I do have a knack for that, haha!). While my memory isn’t quite where I wish it was, I’ve been making an effort to shake things up and challenge myself with new activities. It feels good to break out of the routine and keep my mind sharp. I’ve started gaming recent...

Wow, it’s been a while since my last post in April! This year has been a whirlwind—it’s incredible how time flies. Big milestone: I turned 40! I still can’t believe it. I don’t feel 40, though; my mind says 20, but my body sometimes feels 70. 😅 I was lucky to celebrate with my family and closest friends, and my parents surprised me with my very first Louis Vuitton. She’s stunning! I also completed my MSF course, which means I can legally ride my motorcycle now! I recently took my Triumph Bonneville T120 on its first solo ride to work. It was nerve-wracking but exhilarating, and I’m hooked! My next dream bike is the Triumph Scrambler, so I can join my husband on some dirt road adventures. Unfortunately, I got hit with a really bad bug and was in bed for a week, which wiped out all my PTO for the year. This year marked our 10th wedding anniversary, and my parents gifted us a trip to Italy! With no more PTO left, we’ve had to push it to next year, but honestly, I feel good about having ...

This week has been a whirlwind of emotions that I struggle to articulate. Attending the funeral of a childhood friend's father, who passed away unexpectedly, opened floodgates of nostalgia and sadness. We shared a bond through our mutual love for horseback riding, receiving our first ponies almost simultaneously. While we've drifted apart as adults, the news hit me hard. Our parents, similar in age and pursuits, faced the unimaginable loss of a husband, father, grandfather, brother, and friend. Witnessing my friend's grief and contemplating my own future in their shoes brought tears of empathy and fear. The inevitability of losing loved ones, a reality we often push aside, looms ominously. Reflecting on my relationship with my family, I realize how it's evolved over the years. From distant ties to a profound dependency, I now find solace and support in them daily. When my father suffered a heart attack, I was thrust into a surreal state of emotional numbness, only to cr...

Maintaining relationships demands effort; it's a mutual journey. Each party contributes, and amidst this exchange, bonds form—be it friendships or deeper connections. Some relationships necessitate more investment; sometimes, it feels like you're carrying the weight alone, striving to sustain the connection. Personally, I've struggled with nurturing friendships; perhaps due to youthful ignorance, where life felt boundless, consequences seemed distant, and self-centeredness prevailed. As age brings maturity, many friendships naturally drift away amid life's chaos and the challenges of adulthood. Reflecting on my past interactions often astonishes me; how did I manage any healthy relationships back then? Truthfully, I didn't. Those who I once considered friends, or who considered me as such, have vanished, leaving behind only fragmented memories—thanks, memory loss. Although forgetfulness might seem a blessing, the impressions we leave behind persist. This notion unne...

Last year, the first week of January 2023, I face planted in a parking lot and just about broke my ankle. This is where my diabetes journey started. The trauma to my ankle was server but thankfully not broken, but it shouldn't have taken as long as it did to heal. By the beginning of March 2023 I was finally out of the boot and scooter. The 2nd week of March is when I was diagnosed with diabetes. So, a year later, I'm on the path to living with my diabetes and getting it under control. The weekly shots have played a significant role in my progress. I walked into this year, January 2024, VERY carefully. BUT, don't you worry, I'm not leaving this month unscathed. The first weekend of the month, I went to the barn, had my lesson, had a great ride with Buffy and I came home. I decided to lay down for a minute before starting my weekend reset. A short nap. This short nap turned into a 12 hour nap. I basically slept from Saturday afternoon, to Sunday afternoon. Some nap, I wa...

Here I am, on the cusp of Christmas, another year rolling by. Lately, I've been on a mission to amp up my productivity. With my husband frequently away on travels, I find myself with ample alone time. And since lounging around isn't an option anymore, I've thrown myself into a whirlwind of activities. My newfound obsession? My jeep group. I've been hitting up Christmas parades left and right, and I've even dusted off my equestrian skills, diving back into hunter, jumper, and dressage training. Surprisingly, I haven't lost my touch—it's like riding a bike. Although, adulting on horseback is a whole different ballgame from my childhood days. Off-roading has also become a passion. Teaming up with a fellow jeep enthusiast I met at an event, we've been tearing up trails and putting our jeeps through their paces. It's amazing how much we click—we're practically soul sisters. Plus, our husbands share similar interests, adding an extra layer of camarader...

I put off returning to the Dr. as long as I could. I had to return because my Dr. wouldn't refill my medication till I came back in to see her. Fine.  I was going out of town and needed to get my meds refilled so I didn't have a choice. I fasted, had to my blood taken and would return the next day to see where I stood. Not good. But also not bad. What the hell does that mean? I've lost a ton of weight. I'm eating healthier, I miss all my favorite foods. I live off fruits, vegetables and nuts during the week. On the weekends, I splurge a little. A taste of a dessert, a diet coke... those kinds of cheats. It's still nothing like I use to eat. I dream of eating all my favorite things again. I've relaxed on my working out. I would probably be losing more weight if I kept up with my work out. But I haven't. I visit the gym when I feel guilty for not going...  I've changed my after work routine. I make sure I do things around the house and instead of going str...

Thursday, I had lab work done. Like usual, I went in and had my blood work done. Like normal, I went in, waited, sat in the chair and the nurse took my blood. Looking away from the needle so I don't pass out.  Five minutes later and all of my blood being sucked out of my body, I returned to my life. I don't usually get my results quickly, but this time I did. Getting older, my Dr. ordered more test done than I usually do. I didn't think it would be any different than the last time.  Unfortunately, I didn't get any good news from these results. Friday I spoke with my Dr. and I found out I have Type 2 Diabetes and my cholesterol is through the roof BAD. All over my reports it read and stated my obesity was the cause of most everything. I'm high risk for heart disease and heart attack. This is scary.  Obviously, I am not shocked, I got here all on my own. Food is my addiction. Food is my emotional safe place. Food fills my emotional ups and down, my void. It's a ba...

 When you can't have everything, you have to have something. 

it's strange to watch my parents get older. my mom and her memory is just disintegrating. my dad is still pretty strong and healthy but his heart attack scared the living shit out of me. i have a plan in place for my dad if something happens to my mom, but i didn't even begin to imagine the vice versa. so now my plans have shifted and i have a plan in place for either or situations. being the oldest i guess it's just a natural instinct to care for your parents. my parents don't like to include us in their health issues. they don't tell me what's going on, i have to coax it out of them. i'm not a parent, but i'm sure it's their way of protecting us.  i don't like to see my parents struggle with things that use to come so easily to them.  i know that one day they won't be here and it scares me. i fear the day i get a horrible phone call. i call my mom and dad every single day. i talk to them daily even sometimes multiple times a day. i make my ...

good grief, i just scrolled thru some of my old blog post and most of them are ridiculous. some of them are confusing, and most of them are just sad. reading thru my post and im like "who is this person?" oh, that's me writing it. geez. what was i doing? what was i thinking? why did i write what i wrote? why did i even care about some of the things i decided to post. a lot of it is me just saying i haven't posted and trying to get my life together. why was i always writing about getting my life together? also i didn't realize that i wrote about my memory loss so long ago... 2019? soooo i guess my memory loss is real. i should actually start blogging more so i can remember everything and read back and again, ask myself, wtf was i doing? a lot of my post are pre-facebook and instagram so i guess this is how i use to communicate on the internet? probably. but for fuck-sake. i debated on deleting my old post, but what's the fun in that? seeing my progression (or m...

my birthday was a few days ago. i cant believe im old. i feel old, but thankfully i still look young. every now and then i remember i have a blog and decide to post something. i dont know who im posting this for. id be better off just keeping a journal. but here i am. wide eyed and bushy tailed at 1:30 am. my allergies are kickin right now. i got my nails done today and typing is a challenge. i dont know why i keep my nails up since they get in the way so much. but when i dont have my nails done, my fingers look naked. i think ive always been a night owl. but with life, youre forced to get into a routine and adult. adulting is hard. im still new to adulting. and most of the time, i dont feel like an adult. since i dont have kids, i just take care of myself. im responsible for just myself. working and pay bills is adulting, right? in my younger years i was social, outgoing and fun. now, i enjoy being antisocial and a homebody. im most happy at home. i do a lot of online shopping, but sh...