Relationships take a lot of work. It's a two way street. You give some, you take some, and somewhere in the middle, it blossoms into a relationship, a friendship. Some relationships take more work, sometimes you feel like you're the only one in the relationship, you're working harder to keep the relationship alive. I've never been very good at being a friend, or really appreciating a good friendship. When you're young and naive, life seems endless. You have nothing to lose. You're the center of attention, the world is your oyster. Take what you want and leave nothing of yourself. Friends come and go. Seasons come and seasons go. Footprints in the sand are eventually washed away. (Have we had enough yet? I can keep going) As I get older, a lot of friendships have faded, life gets busy and adulting is hard. I grew up late in life. As I reflect (or TRY to remember) on my past life, how I use to handle relationship/friendships, it blows me away. Just how the hell did I have any healthy relationships/friendships? (Surprise, I didn't) People who I thought were my friends, people who thought I was their friend. Just, poof, gone. I can recall only a handful of memories, (thanks a lot memory loss) of the good and bad relationships/friendships I held. I would say my memory loss is probably a blessing in disguise. But my impression I've left behind in relationships/friendships aren't lost. These friends haven't forgotten who I was. And that's what makes me nervous. Getting older and being a childless millennial is starting to haunt my future. What legacy am I leaving behind? Will someone remember me as a horrible, immature, hot mess of person? Or will they remember me as a kind, caring person? Bullying these days is a very sensitive subject. It's frowned upon. Of course I know this, but I'm not gonna lie. I was a mean girl. (have your opinions, it's fine, but this is mine) I wasn't a bully, I was a mean girl. (and no, I'm not going to google the definitions) I believe they differ, for me and my life. (Am I just trying to justify my mean girl behavior? Maybe?) But people change, they grow up (eventually) The things we do in the past, can haunt you. Thankfully, these relationships and friendships I had in the past, have been completely severed, and I don't think I'll ever cross paths with these relationships ever again. AND, I'm okay with that. You have to be okay with your past to move forward. The person I am today, is completely opposite from the person I was in my past. I lived, I was the person I knew to be, and my experiences have made me who I am today. I wouldn't change them. I could have probably been nicer, better, less selfish, but it's life. Everyone is different. Everyone has their own path in life. We're not all the same. The decisions I made, were mine and mine alone. It's the best I knew how to live, at that time.
I worked for a company for 10 years, my co-workers, my staff, feared me. I wasn't there to make friends. I was completely fine with how I managed my staff and my work ethic. (I was never questioned by upper management) But even today, I am not that person anymore. (If my old staff worked with me now, they would probably fall over speechless and dead) Life still changes. Adapting to life and the life that you're currently in is survival mode, adapting. Take for example in a job interview, when they ask you, "How would your previous employer/staff describe your work ethic, your management style?" Mine would go something like this: She's a hard ass, a bitch, a work horse, strict..." you get the point. I mean, I must have been doing something right because my staff worked hard FOR me and I did greatly appreciate them. I had one of the only offices that had the least amount of turnover. That is my legacy I left with those relationships. And that's fine. The bigger picture to that is, I had the one of the top 5 grossing offices and we were always hitting our goals. Why? Because I had a well oiled team that did the job right. I trained my staff to work hard and get the job done correctly, the first time. If I worked hard, then my staff was working hard. So, I kept working harder. Keep up!
What this all boils down to, I will contradict myself on my earlier statement "I don't think I'll ever cross paths with these relationships ever again." Again, life throws you weird curveballs. I've recently run into an old friend. We haven't spoken, or seen each other in at least 15 years! When we were friends so long ago, I was in my season of self made turmoil. Unnecessary drama. I was hesitant to rekindle this friendship. But to my surprise, they only had good things to say! (we'll see what this rekindled friendship bring to the table) Getting someone else's perspective on my past life, well, their interpretation is very different from how I have perceived my past life. Which makes me realize, that I have definitely compartmentalized relationships/friendships that I had/have. If you knew me, you knew me. If I felt vulnerable or unsure, my walls went up. I think most of the relationships I had as my younger self, revolved around me being drunk, a party girl. But that's the life I lived and the decisions I made. Also, I don't remember most of that life anymore. It's literally gone. If someone reminds me, then yes I do remember to a certain extent. It's very foggy. I've mentioned this in my other blogs, I have a friend that has a memory of an elephant. She can remember everyone's faces, the shoes you were wearing, the purse you were carrying... EVERY detail is still with her. If she met you once, even drunk, she remembers.
The relationships and friendships I have today, took work. Ups and downs and everything else in between. But these are the relationships/friendships that I hold closest to my heart. These are the relationships that will follow me into my old age. These are the relationships that I will always work hard to keep in my life. These are the relationships I will fight for. Things do change. People change. If you can change together, that is what will keep you together. Learn to accept each others changes and love each other through all your seasons.
Boom, that's my wise words of wisdom for the week, for the month, for the year. That fucking made my brain hurt. And for some reason, I felt the need to put that out there. It's the weekend and I'm ready to retire my brain and not think anymore. dumbdumbmare is here. (smartsmartmare has left the building...till Monday) It's the weekend bitches, let's get it started! (No just kidding. I'm going to bed.)
Oh, update on my eyeball, it's healing, but very slowly. I have another follow up next week. Urgh.