It’s hilarious reading my old blogs. Especially the ones
when I first started blogging.
I was so needy and always looking for something. Writing
about bettering myself, challenges and goals that I couldn’t keep or get to.
I just want to slap my younger self and be like, it’s fine.
You’re young, you won’t have it together. I had no idea what I was doing and honestly
I still don’t know what the fuck I’m doing now. Just because I’m older, doesn’t
make me any wiser. Just more responsible-ish. My younger self was always looking
for improvement. Of course I should always want to better myself, but my
younger self, was being forced to be a better me. I thought if I could better
myself then whatever I was searching for or seeking to get, would come back to
me or think I’m finally good enough for whatever situation I was in. I wanted a
better job so I could make more money and prove that I was good enough. If I went
back to school I would be good enough. I wanted to prove that always good
enough. And for what? If someone or something doesn’t make you feel good enough
than it’s totally not worth it! Just be you. I should have just been me. I
should have just accepted me.
In my younger days, something happened to me. Nothing bad,
just a relationship that forever had a hold on me. When someone doesn’t think you’re
good enough for them, depending on what kind of person you are, you hold on to
that and try to fix it, but not knowing how to fix it or not being able to
reach that goal, was hard for me. I had this unreachable to goal for myself,
when in reality I just needed to let go.
I tried for years to be someone I wasn’t. I have always been
me, but there was always that doubt, what if I do this or that.
Finally you just let it go. You begin to learn to live
without. You get sad mad frustrated confused all of the emotions. In my case, I
shut down. An empty soul, a skeleton.
I drank myself till I fell asleep, I woke up drunk, and I’d
sober up and do it all over again. I worked the bare minimum that I could and didn’t
care about anyone else. I barely cared about myself. When I wasn’t working, I was
drinking or sleeping, if I was awake, I was working or drunk. I didn’t want to
live in my reality. My dreams were my safe place. I could dream and go back to
where I wanted to be.
I don’t know if it’s because it’s the end of the year, or
because I’m 35 and just looking back at all my life choices… not really sure. But
I’m definitely feeling nostalgic. I’m in “awe” of my life. There’s always a
small, what if, what if I had done this or that differently. But I can’t ponder
or waste away in the past.
With age, you get more responsible. You learn. You settle
down. You grow up. You’re jaded.
Today I live my life, day to day. I survive though the day. I
make it to the weekend just to do it all over again. I’m not sad or bitter. I
am grateful, I am blessed and I am happy. My future is bright.
My life really is boring. And I like that.