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Reluctance

Noun

reluctance (uncountable)
  1. Unwillingness to do something.
  2. Hesitancy in taking some action.
  3. (physics) That property of a magnetic circuit analogous to resistance in an electric circuit.


It's always been strange to me when people ask me " have u always known u were adopted?" I respond with a blank look... " it's kind of obvious when my parents are white and I'm brown... Cause for some obvious signs"

I have never felt the urge to find my birth parents. It's been something that just hasn't been an issue in my life. I don't have a desire to know my birth mother, i don't care to find out if I have biological siblings (which I know for a fact that I do bc my biological brother contacted me first.) which then leads me to think... Well if I have other siblings and they are still over in the Philippines, then why was i the only one given up? Granite my live is amazing and I can't imagine my life being any different and I'm sure I'm much better off. But wouldn't any normal person wonder that? To not be wanted by ur own family. I do struggle with feeling wanted. Even as a little girl I've always kept my emotions to myself. I make sure to cry in front of no one ( only a few people have seen me cry ) I keep composure in all situations... And deal later n my private time.

In the past day and half I have no idea what my emotions are. Since the discovery of my age a friend of mine has been doing a lot of research on my birth. I don't have any intention on pursuing the matter but she is very curious as to what has happened. and she is very savvy at getting information.

So today I found out that I was born in a house, had a midwife, came from an average to middle class part of the Philippines, found out my birth mothers name, my biological last name, there's no father on my birth certificate, I was the first born, but yet I have an older brother? Something doesn't match there... Looking at this piece of paper with all this unknown information, all these unknown names and dates that don't make sense... Makes me wonder if I really need to take an interest into looking deeper into my adoption. Something I don't honestly want to do. But with everything that is happening I'm feeling forced to pursue this part of my life that I've tired so hard to keep as part of my past. I find it unfair and very stressful. Can I not just be normal? Can I not just have normal relationships? I guess that would just be too much to ask for. its like does this really have to be happening RIGHT now!? I don't know how much more I can handle without having a nervous break down. But what really sucks is that I feel completely alone on this new journey that my life has decided to take a turn to. :-( once again I'm having to be own cheerleader " chin up maricel... I will be okay. Everything will be okay " I'm just not sure how much longer I can be my own support system. :'-(

Sent from my iPhone

The Picture that was used on my American Birth Certificate
Can you tell its me? I was 3 years old (or somewhere around that age)
Surprisingly I remember taking this picture because I was wearing one of my favorite outfits, and yes, it was a light pink jumper.

Back to normalcy (thank goodness for the bestie to get my head out of the clouds!) 

Noun

normalcy (plural normalcies)
  1. (US) The state of being normal; the fact of being normal; normality. 

Alicia and I out and about trying to get our minds off things! 
What are best friends for?
Ooooh, the Joys of decorating my new walls! :-)

We no longer have a twin bed! We ALL fit now!
 One more month to go!!! 
Im so over this working out thing! 

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