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I can finally breathe!

I had no idea just how depressed I was till now. Looking at me you would never guess what kind of torture I felt inside....Makes you wonder just how many other people out there are faking it just to make it thru life! Being sad and living in my past with regrets and what ifs'. What a waste of my time! 4 years later I'm finally realizing this! My last 'relationship' was in 2005, but if we want to be technical I can be. 2005, my high school sweetheart and I broke up because our relationship just went sour and I became someone I never want to be ever AGAIN! We had been together since 2002. So that he was a HUGE part of my life.

2005-2006 I thought I had found the love of my life, but he didn't return the feelings, no where near my feelings, we were not on the same page, not even the same book! so I had to take myself out of that relationship. Walking away from someone that I  thought was my future really TORE me up inside! I have replayed this relationship in my head over and over for years! Letting go of this pain in my heart has been the longest learning lesson of my life so far! 

^^^(wow actually putting those thoughts into words was harder than I thought...)^^^
(LOTS of time!)


These two relationships were so close together that I dont think I ever really gave myself time to heal for one relationship to the next. But I was young and naive! I literally went from a long term, physically abusive relationship to a relationship that was going to do no where from the get go! I had blinders on.

Of course when that last relationship ended, I threw myself into partying and men. I didn't know how to heal myself. So i did what I did best at the time! I partied my BUTT off! Seriously! I was broke, but I always managed to find a way to drink EVERY single night. I bounced around from one relationship to the next. I was determined to find someone to want me. In the end I was only hurting myself.   

Sometimes I wonder if my life is normal. Have others been thru what I've experienced?

My life has changed some much. I've changed! Who I was 4 years ago is LOOONNNGG gone, heck, I'm not even the same person I was 1 year ago! My mom tells me all the time that no can change that much. Little does she know I am living proof of that. I have pushed so many memories out of my head in order to get from one day to the next. 

I feel lost sometimes, because I dont understand who I am now. I'm stronger than I have been in a long time, I feel....different. But it's not in a bad way. I feel like, it REALLY is going to be okay. There isnt such a huge bend in my path. Im not the smartest person in the box office nor am I the brightest crayon in the box, but I'm not going to go unnoticed either! 

I'm torn because I dont know what to call the last 4 years of my life. Do I think of it as a waste time, a learning experience?, an adventure (wasnt a very fun adventure sometimes).... I guess I'll just think of it as...MY LIFE. Not what I had thought it would be, but it is what it is. It's what I've been thru.

Getting to know myself and getting to know my strength and weaknesses have defiantly been a trip! And I only look forward to what else is in store for me!

Crap! What am I going to blog about now that I'm no longer heartbroken?! hahaha, I'm sure I'll find something to write about! ;-)


Follow up (jan 5)
So ive been thinking about this blog. 
i dont think i explained myself very well. when i say, im different...i dont know how to describe it.

Im not an open book. I dont let anyone in, people are only allowed to see so far into my life that i allow. no one really knows me. so for me to open up like this, was REALLY difficult. im so guarded and to post something like this was a big deal. i know that blogging is basically putting your own life on blast and its a choice. but its something that i needed to say. its old feelings and i was finally secure enough to say something without feeling anything. 
i have finally let go and i think thats what i mean by 'im different'. 


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