I am so upset with myself! I am so screwed up in the head!! There is something seriously wrong with me! Because my heart belongs to someone else, anyone else that I ever met will never be able to have all of me. I will never be able to give them what they need! And that is so not fair! Because I know what its like to give my heart to someone and then they dont want it and/or they cant return the feelings!! and that hurts worst!! Now, whoever else I come in contact with that truly has feelings for me, I will not be able to return the feelings! and thats a terrible thing to have to live with! who does that?! i mean....how could i have given my heart to someone who didnt even want it?! but for some reason thats who i chose and now....now im going to live forever alone running away from relationships wishing upon a star that is forever out of reach! i have only told one person that I love them. (besides family and my close friends but other than family and friends) ONE PERSON! im 25! i know that i dont need anything like a great love right now in my life because im way to selfish right now and im trying so hard to learn who i am. i cant have any distractions getting in the way! this actually could be a smoke screen for what i really want but seriously! i have got to get my shit together before i can commit myself to anyone! but i honestly dont think that will ever happen! it has been years since i have had a healthy steady monogamous relationship! i dont even remember what its like to be in a healthy relationship. i can not get myself to care. i have to force myself to be thoughtful. i have to force myself to remember to call or text to let them know im thinking of them. when really the only time i thought about them was to remind myself to remember to txt or call them. thats horrible!! i am a cold hearted bitch. yep. everyone keeps telling me that when i met the right person it wont be so hard! i dont believe that. i have a feeling that whatever relationship i have its always going to be difficult for me. my life is not destined for a love story.
Another year has come and gone, and here I am—mid-January already. Christmas was spent with family, as always. The holidays tend to be chaotic, rushing back and forth across town to visit everyone. 2024 was truly a memorable year for me! So many milestones to reflect on: I turned 40. I participated in two amateur horse shows. I earned my motorcycle endorsement. (I conquered the Twisted Sisters route on my motorcycle!) My brother bought a new house (so proud of him—just waiting for a new sister-in-law now!). I celebrated my 10-year wedding anniversary. And I hit my 2-year mark with my company. It’s been a year of highs and some lows, but I think the highs outweighed the lows—or maybe I just blocked the lows out entirely (I do have a knack for that, haha!). While my memory isn’t quite where I wish it was, I’ve been making an effort to shake things up and challenge myself with new activities. It feels good to break out of the routine and keep my mind sharp. I’ve started gaming recent...