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there is no 'the one'...forget mister right, give mister right here, a chance.

I am so upset with myself! I am so screwed up in the head!! There is something seriously wrong with me! Because my heart belongs to someone else, anyone else that I ever met will never be able to have all of me. I will never be able to give them what they need! And that is so not fair! Because I know what its like to give my heart to someone and then they dont want it and/or they cant return the feelings!! and that hurts worst!! Now, whoever else I come in contact with that truly has feelings for me, I will not be able to return the feelings! and thats a terrible thing to have to live with! who does that?! i mean....how could i have given my heart to someone who didnt even want it?! but for some reason thats who i chose and now....now im going to live forever alone running away from relationships wishing upon a star that is forever out of reach! i have only told one person that I love them. (besides family and my close friends but other than family and friends) ONE PERSON! im 25! i know that i dont need anything like a great love right now in my life because im way to selfish right now and im trying so hard to learn who i am. i cant have any distractions getting in the way! this actually could be a smoke screen for what i really want but seriously! i have got to get my shit together before i can commit myself to anyone! but i honestly dont think that will ever happen! it has been years since i have had a healthy steady monogamous relationship! i dont even remember what its like to be in a healthy relationship. i can not get myself to care. i have to force myself to be thoughtful. i have to force myself to remember to call or text to let them know im thinking of them. when really the only time i thought about them was to remind myself to remember to txt or call them. thats horrible!! i am a cold hearted bitch. yep. everyone keeps telling me that when i met the right person it wont be so hard! i dont believe that. i have a feeling that whatever relationship i have its always going to be difficult for me. my life is not destined for a love story.

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