I think I've come a pretty long way in the last 3 months. 6 wks in a classroom of 27 ppl that are now ppl who are a part of my every day life. little did i know that in those 6 wks id find a handful of ppl that would impact my life so greatly!
you know, i got my new job thinking that this was it, this was going to be my big break, my wake up call. my introduction to adulthood. i thought by having this job, it would bring me back to someone/something that i was holding onto to so tightly. they would see me in a different light and maybe somehow make it back into my life. they'd see that this is the person that they have been looking for this whole time. that i was standing right in front of them! in the back of my mind i had this whole dream laid out, id get my big girl job, make money, be able to stand on my own two feet without anyone else's help. and that someone would see me finally for what they wanted so badly from me! i wanted to be that person for them, i wanted them to see that i could be that person.
ha. this new life style that i now hold in my hands isnt anything different from who i was when i was stuck at dead end jobs, running around wildly double fisting beers and downing shots. im just more responsible now. i save that for the weekends and just not as hardcore. i go to bed early, i wake up early, i make sure im 30 mins early to work so i can get to my desk and prepare for the day. i work hard, i get confused, thank goodness my walls are kind of soft so as not to hurt myself too badly when i get so frustrated i just want to bang my head against a wall! i dont go out every night to get wasted and pass out so i dont dream, i dont have relationships just to have someone around. i've realized i dont always have to be in some kind of relationship to feel better about myself! i thought id all of a sudden be wiser more mature. nope, I'm still me! I'm a goof ball, i laugh when im nervous, i clam up when i feel like im about to crash and burn, i dont like to look ppl in the eye if they talk about certain subjects of life. but i do know what i want. im not so quick anymore to be on a constant look out. i have to work on me. and in order for me to do that, i have to close some unfinished business in my past. i dont know what that might be right now, but my heart has be able to fully move on and i cant move forward 100% without closing doors in my past. i have left so many thing unfinished or unsaid that it is now putting a hold on my heart for my future. my mind and my body might be moving forward, but my heart....its not there yet. and i need ALL of me to be on the same page. i really hope i figure this out fast because im about to jump into some pretty clear muddy waters! i cant keep shaking my head yes while saying no...is doesnt work that way.
you know, i got my new job thinking that this was it, this was going to be my big break, my wake up call. my introduction to adulthood. i thought by having this job, it would bring me back to someone/something that i was holding onto to so tightly. they would see me in a different light and maybe somehow make it back into my life. they'd see that this is the person that they have been looking for this whole time. that i was standing right in front of them! in the back of my mind i had this whole dream laid out, id get my big girl job, make money, be able to stand on my own two feet without anyone else's help. and that someone would see me finally for what they wanted so badly from me! i wanted to be that person for them, i wanted them to see that i could be that person.
ha. this new life style that i now hold in my hands isnt anything different from who i was when i was stuck at dead end jobs, running around wildly double fisting beers and downing shots. im just more responsible now. i save that for the weekends and just not as hardcore. i go to bed early, i wake up early, i make sure im 30 mins early to work so i can get to my desk and prepare for the day. i work hard, i get confused, thank goodness my walls are kind of soft so as not to hurt myself too badly when i get so frustrated i just want to bang my head against a wall! i dont go out every night to get wasted and pass out so i dont dream, i dont have relationships just to have someone around. i've realized i dont always have to be in some kind of relationship to feel better about myself! i thought id all of a sudden be wiser more mature. nope, I'm still me! I'm a goof ball, i laugh when im nervous, i clam up when i feel like im about to crash and burn, i dont like to look ppl in the eye if they talk about certain subjects of life. but i do know what i want. im not so quick anymore to be on a constant look out. i have to work on me. and in order for me to do that, i have to close some unfinished business in my past. i dont know what that might be right now, but my heart has be able to fully move on and i cant move forward 100% without closing doors in my past. i have left so many thing unfinished or unsaid that it is now putting a hold on my heart for my future. my mind and my body might be moving forward, but my heart....its not there yet. and i need ALL of me to be on the same page. i really hope i figure this out fast because im about to jump into some pretty clear muddy waters! i cant keep shaking my head yes while saying no...is doesnt work that way.